The Five Elements of Intimacy

Years ago the founder of Access Consciousness® Gary Douglas became friends with an old woman who had had a long and happy marriage.  When he questioned her about what it took to make a marriage work she told him it was these five things:

1. Trust
2. Honour
3. Vulnerability
4. Allowance
5. Gratitude

Sex and copulation were not on her list, although he knew that they had enjoyed a good sex life!  For her true intimacy came from these five elements, not through sex.

To TRUST is to know that a person will do what they will do.  Trust is not blind faith.  You can trust your partner to be exactly who they are, not who you keep hoping they will be, or who you keep trying to make them become.  For instance, when my husband is working away from home I can trust he will get upset if I do not keep the lawn maintained! It is not about having faith that he will not cheat on me….

Trust is about knowing what you and the people you are in relationship with tend to do, and what you will probably always do.  To trust you need to be willing to be, know receive and perceive the truth about yourself and others, not project and expect and hope.

To HONOUR is to treat with regard.  It is to respect the greatness in everyone.  To treat with regard is to respect yourself and to look at what you really want.  It is to respect others and be willing to perceive what they really want and need.  It is not respectful of others to tell them things that they don’t want to hear or that may hurt them.  

VULNERABILITY is the ability to be totally present without any point of view. It is about never putting up a barrier to perceiving, knowing, being and receiving anything from a situation or a person that you are with.  If you are prepared to be totally vulnerable you will never put up barriers to seeing any parts of you or another – the good, the bad, and the ugly.

To be in ALLOWANCE is to let everything others say or do be just an ‘interesting point of view’ and has no relationship to you.  You don’t have to align and agree, or resist and react to anything!  

What if you never created your relationships based on what you had in common, but in allowance of everything they truly are and by being grateful for that?

GRATITUDE is they place which you are grateful to the person for showing up in your life, grateful for having them in your life for whatever time you do have them, with no judgment.  Judgment creates separation, from yourself and others.

I invite you to reflect on the elements of intimacy Gary Douglas has put forward and ask you what you are willing to receive and perceive about them, and maybe then have a play!

Karen Howard is an Access Consciousness® Bars and Body Process Facilitator, and Change Coach.  For information or to book sessions she can be contacted on 0403 982 185.